When I was a little girl, I watched a spinning plates routine on TV. I don’t know if it was on Bozo the Clown or Ed Sullivan Show, but I remember watching this man run around the stage keeping plates spinning on the top of very thin wood rods, and making sure not one would drop. This feat was amazing to me, and still is. How can one person keep 20 or more plates going for several minutes without dropping one?
That is the question I answer myself every single day as a mom.
How can I keep all the spinning plates in my life going without dropping one of them?
That’s just it. I can’t.
I got to a point where too many plates were in the air, and I became frantic trying to run from plate to plate, or in my life, priority to priority, without letting a single plate drop or a single person down.
And that’s exactly what happened – I let people down, but most importantly, I let myself down. I started this blog to be a way for me to express all the things I was going through – the trials and tribulations of being in a long distance relationship, but I got to a point where too much was coming at me at once, and I had to shut down, curl up, and brace myself for impact.
So what were all the spinning plates that kept me from blogging?
- We bought a house in California. I didn’t want to speak about this until it was final, and the keys were in our hands. We had been looking for a home to purchase as an investment property that Hubby could move into, but it was taking months – possibly over a year. Over Christmas break, while I was out there visiting him, the funniest thing happened. We had gone out looking at more houses with our realtor, and even put in an several offers, only to be rejected.
So I was shopping at the BX on base (that’s military’s version of a Walmart) when I overheard two women talking. One was telling the other how they have had their house on the market for 2 months as a for sale by owner, and really needed it sold soon. That week, she was interviewing realtors to go ahead and sell it for them. She didn’t want to pay out their commission, but her husband was being restationed and they didn’t want to hold on to this house. This conversation went on for about 15 minutes, while my husband was on the phone with our realtor dealing with the latest in a series of rejected offers.
I ended up approaching the woman who was selling her house in a very awkward way. “Hi, I’m Kim. Sorry for eavesdropping, but I’m possibly interested in buying your house.” She and I spoke for a bit, exchanged numbers, and hubby and I went and looked at her house the next day. Well, we ended up purchasing the house. That was about a month ago, when we finally signed for the house.
Its been exciting to purchase a house without realtors, and definitely a learning experience for Hubby and I. This is not our first home purchase (we have several investment properties already), but it was our first that was this unique. No agents, no commission, just good old fashioned negotiating. You fix this, we’ll take that as is. Let’s get to the final number of X.
Hubby is having a few things upgraded – cosmetic mostly – before he moves in at the end of this month.
But with all of our house purchases, we felt the stress of the deal till the very end. Buying a house can take its toll on ANY marriage. Buying a house through distance is an even bigger stress. But I’m glad that’s over.
- My daughter is growing up. She’s 12 going on 22. She’s argumentative, and pushing limits. She’s a full bodied teenager, with her own thoughts and opinions. And voices them whenever she can. I appreciate the inner leader in her – I really do.
But me? I’m a mom on the verge of a breakdown. Not because she’s a bad kid, but because I don’t have the maternal instinct to parent her well. I admit it. Its trying at times. Every day is like going into battle. I just have to figure out how to actually win the war, and not just the mini battles.
I realize the hardest relationship to go through is a mother/daughter one. You either come out at in the twenties as friends or sworn enemies. There is no grey area. But she is only 12. I’m not sure how the next 5 more years will serve us, especially when my biggest ally / referee lives 1200 miles away.
- I’d say work is great, but its also exhausting. I love my job – I really do. But this year, I have taken on more hours, and more projects, that just tie up my day. I hate using the word “busy,” because its an excuse. Instead, my work just exhausts me at the end of the day. I’m tired. I want to curl up and go to bed at 9pm when I used to go to bed at 11.
I’m looking forward to a more balanced work life in the next few months, but the near future is debatable. And I still want to be home to see my daughter grow up.
I think life comes in seasons. You have a slow season, when you can stop and take a breath and appreciate what you’ve accomplished. And then you have fast seasons, where the days, weeks, even months fly by you without warning. I’m currently experiencing a fast season. Where I hardly believe the days of the week, “how is it Friday already?” and where I feel less accomplished than I used to be. Less items are ticked off my to do list daily, and I have to think, “is it me that’s less efficient, or is the work getting harder?”
My blog was neglected for a month. A month longer than I wanted. Each day I would wake up and say to myself, “I have a story to tell, even if it isn’t as positive as it could be. I have a story to tell that is real, and its me.” But each night I’d go to sleep without that accomplishment ticked off my list.
My blog was the spinning plate that crashed to the floor.
To my loyal readers, thank you for continuing to stop by. To my friends who nudged me with kind words and little bits of “hey – I haven’t seen a blog post in awhile. Boy do I miss them!” Thank you. You helped me pick up where I left off.
I will try not to let this plate drop to the floor again, but if I do, please forgive me. For I am running around the stage keeping all those other plates spinning.